Cries in the night

I think the big kids are getting molars. I'm not sure what else it could be. They are just. . .not themselves. My daughter was crying at 4 am today. Unlike her. As a parent of twins, and I imagine a parent in general though I don't know the difference, I try to be fair. But when it comes down to it, fair does not mean doing the exact same thing for each child. They are so different. I check myself though when I'm about to do something I wouldn't do for the other. Hell, even now months later I think about the fact that I wrote a post about my eldest daughter but still haven't written something about my son. . .the little girls weren't born yet so I haven't included them in the "not fair, you haven't written about me" category. Plus none of them can read so all of this is just a mental monologue. It's a tiring, exasperating, sometimes glorious place to live, this head of mine. I keep making steps to get out of it.

So my daughter was crying, in sad distress. Not screaming, more like weeping in misery. I know. Even writing those words out sounds so sad. How could I even think about not going to get her? Well, for one thing, it was 4 am. I didn't want them to get up that early because it would make for a very rough morning for everyone. For another, I knew I would most likely not be able to get her out of her crib without upsetting her brother. I didn't hear him, but from past experience I knew going in there would start a two-link chain reaction. And finally, because I was checking myself for fairness. I almost never go get my son. He sometimes cries in the night. He also sometimes cries after an hour or so of napping, but will go back to sleep after a few minutes.

I never thought I would do Cry It Out (CIO in the parenting world). It sounded too sad and too hard. When we ended up doing it, it was incredibly sad and hard. Would I recommend it to another parent? I think so, but probably in my head because I try very hard not to give parenting advice unless someone specifically asks. Am I glad we did it? Yes. Do I know it was the right thing to do? No.

I made a choice not to read many parenting books for two main reasons. One is that I felt like I had pretty good instincts when it came to kids and the other is that I know myself and I like to do things "right". I have a tendency to read a book and fall completely under its spell, whether it's well-written or well-researched or not. "The book says this is the way, so this must be the way!" Nope. Didn't want to do it. I read one part of one book about sleep and it helped when it came to getting my eldest daughter to sleep. She would fuss and cry at about the same time every night and it seemed like she was tired. The book told me to look for signs that she was ready to go to bed, and it seemed like we were seeing those. Sometimes she would cry for a couple minutes when we put her down and then fall asleep. Often she didn't cry at all and went right to sleep. This was from a young age, probably three months or so, and has stayed consistent. She just likes to sleep. She falls asleep in the car and is almost always happy to go down for a nap.

Our son did not follow that pattern. He absolutely hated being put down in his crib. He would scream and scream, even back in his mellowest baby on the block days. A title which Baby #3 seems to have taken over for the time being, hallelujah thank you my one mellow child. We'd end up keeping our boy out in the living room with us until he eventually fell asleep on the couch. Then we'd move him to his crib. Where he would proceed to wake up many times throughout the night.

Their pediatrician, who is not bossy and whom I trust implicitly, started telling me he should be sleeping through the night. I would sort of cringe and shrug and think "You don't know. I can't leave him, he's too sad." I thought about how long he was in the NICU--two months of sleeping alone, without his parents. I thought about how long it took him to finally eat well. How could I deny him if he was hungry? I also didn't understand how human beings would need to be taught how to sleep. Isn't it a natural thing? Would it make evolutionary-sense to need to figure out how to sleep? So we kept going with multiple wake-ups and feedings through the night. Often I'd end up sleeping on the twin bed in their room with him curled against me. I was grateful for that time, even though it meant I was tired.

I went to listen to a sleep talk given by a self-proclaimed expert. She was a bit kooky and said a handful of things that made me question her credibility. Like "Oh, SIDS isn't really a thing, it's caused by babies sleeping on their stomachs and breathing in some chemical from the mattress." Ummmmmm. Maybe that is true but I've worked in the health care field long enough to not follow someone blithely dismissing a cause of death in infants without any data. I digress.

She said some things that made sense though, including the idea that babies need to learn how to be alone. Well! I don't know if that is true but it resonated with me. She also said something about it being the parents' job to take care of their children's health and that when it came to matters of safety and health, parents shouldn't be afraid to be firm. I believe getting enough sleep is a huge part of being healthy. My son at that time had transitioned from super mellow to a state of extreme sensitivity. He would scream when we went into the store, or into someone's house, or into the doctors' office. Not a little screaming. Prolonged inconsolable screaming that only stopped when we walked out of the offending location. He did not want to be held by anyone other than me or my husband. He was having a rough time. So were we!

This sleep person made some suggestions to the group. Like having play dates in their cribs during the day. Most of us love our beds, she said. You can teach your children that their cribs are a great place to be. This worked for us. We also got a white noise machine. Holy cow was that a delayed purchase. And we started sleep training our son, letting him cry it out. It took a few nights the first time and it was brutal to listen to him. I lay in bed, worrying that he was scared and miserable, that we were traumatizing him. Once or twice I got into the shower so I couldn't hear him. And then it worked and he started sleeping through the night, although it took a while for him to stop waking up at 4 am.

We had to do a couple sessions of CIO over the next two months. Once because we stopped being consistent and starting going in to get him. And once after we moved into our new house and their sleeping schedule went out the window with all the transition. One night, six months pregnant with the little girls, as I went in to get him for the third or fourth time I burst into tears and thought "I can not do this!" That was the one parenting moment so far where I felt like it all might just break me. So we let him cry for another couple nights and he's been sleeping through the night since then.

My belief is that when he cries in the night now it's because he's momentarily woken up and feels sad or scared. I think and hope that he looks around and sees his blankets and crib. Sees his sister in her crib. Sees the curtains and the walls of his room. Hears the rain sound of their noise machine. And all of this reminds him that he is safe, so he falls back to sleep.

When he started sleeping more, he became a happier kid during the day. I know my husband and I have been very glad that the big kids sleep through the night, especially once the littles arrived.

All of this to explain why I didn't immediately go get my daughter. It's rare for her to cry at night so I usually go check on her because something is usually wrong. I always pause to worry that it's not fair. I don't know what would happen if we started responding to my son's cries in the night, but experience showed that once he knew we'd come in, it would start happening more and more. This morning I did go in. My son was sitting up quietly in bed, my daughter was laying on her belly crying. She got more upset when she saw me and wanted to come out. I lifted her up and my son started wailing. Two very sad babies at 4 am. I went to get some Motrin for what I think is teething. They cried louder. I went to get some small bottles of milk and told them "It's not time to get up yet" and walked out. It's almost 7:30 and they're still asleep.

It's scary to write things like this out. Parenting is not a science. I think it's like being a good doctor--the practice takes a mix of art and science. And you need to let your patient (or your child) inform you what you do. There's data out there about what's happening developmentally. There are lots and lots of opinions, informed or otherwise. It is easy to second-guess and doubt, especially when it comes to worrying that you might be damaging your child. I think they're okay though.