25 more things about me. . .right now

1. I am very wise right now.* One of my god-given/life-given/birth-given/upbringing-given (okay, I don't know where this elemental stuff that makes each of us who we are comes from) strengths is my ability to see connections and disconnections. I see what is getting in the way of something working better, be that a relationship, a system at work, or the way someone is choosing to live his/her life compared to what he/she is saying he/she wants his/her life to be. (There must be a better way of doing those effing gender pronouns.)

2. The asterisk above is placed as the caveat to address the reality that I am taking a lot of steroids right now. And the fact that the way I am right now is an extreme version of myself. I have lots and lots to say about this because I recognize that where I am is a combination of a lot of things--my recent experience with acute illness, the last four years of chronic illness whose impact on me I underestimated, my overall experience of being a patient, working in healthcare, becoming a mother, becoming a mother to four children in two years, getting married, being on and coming off anti-depressants, recognizing the role anxiety plays in my life, recognizing how disconnected I have been from my physical body, finding a yoga studio whose mission is helping women take care of themselves (Bloom Retreat*), finding a tribe of women through that yoga studio who are committed to and struggling with the work of finding and being our true selves, re-appreciating the friends I've had for years, re-appreciating my family, re-appreciating my work. . okay, it's a combination of a LOT of things). So I am wise in general and I am SUPER wise right now.

3. This blog is my art. It is not a report on my life meant to take the place of having a relationship with me. (And truthfully I will hopefully not have a relationship with everyone who reads this because I want lots of people to read it and I don't have the capacity to have a relationship with millions of peoples. Thousands? Hundreds? I don't know how many people will read it but I hope the number grows and grows.)

4. If you know me in real life and love me or like me or worry about me because of the content of this blog, you are allowed and invited to reach out to me via whatever medium you choose/prefer/have access to. You are also allowed to not read it if it's too confusing or weird to read personal things about me on the internet instead of talking to me about them.

5. I am learning how to take better care of myself--my body, my mind and my spirit. This is hard and sacred work for me and I am grateful to be doing it and to have the tools, support team and interest in doing it.

6. This blog has changed. I've found my voice and I am thrilled about that. It used to be sort of an online journal where I would come and write a bunch of stuff I was feeling and then hit Publish. And I liked that I was writing and that people were reading but I also felt. . .confused and vulnerable. I didn't want to put a a bunch of stuff about myself willy nilly onto the internet. I wanted the writing to be good. I wanted to be making art, not sharing my diary. But I didn't know all that, and now I do.

7. Part of my style, and I think it's the part that a lot of people like about what I do here, is that I am very honest and real. That will not change. And/but, this blog is not and will never be all of me. Part of me is saved for myself and part of me is saved and shared with people who love me and do the work of having and being in a relationship with me. Boundaries. I am learning about them. They are tricky!

8. I have felt this way before. The year after my transplant I experienced a similar spiritual awakening. I hope to write about this more later. It is very special and sacred and amazing.

9. I know at least part of the way I feel is temporary. Because of the prednisone, the effect of which I feel but can't accurately measure in terms of its impact on me. And because all things, or most things, are temporary.

10. I think and sincerely hope that most of the way I feel will last. Because I think what is happening is that I am finding myself, the true self I am now. The self I have always been but haven't paid attention to or haven't had the energy for or haven't known how to access. It is fantastic! And exhausting. And emotionally raw. And powerful. I wish I could give it to each of you to take as a pill or a tonic. But I know that some of you probably wouldn't want to take it or wouldn't have the energy to take it because. . .well, because it's really fucking hard. And often just getting through the day without thinking too much about it is hard enough.

11. My natural instinct is to help other people. I do this because a) it feels good to help others b) it distracts me from paying attention to or sitting with my own self which doesn't always feel good c) this is how I was raised d) I believe it is what humans are here to do  and e) my life experience and my natural strength (see #1) gives me something special that not everyone gets to have. And I want to share that because I can and because I would want someone to share it with me.

12. I have super clarity right now. It is like a super power and it is awesome.

13. I saw a psychiatrist two weeks ago and it was a relief and a good experience.

14. I am eating very differently than I ever have and it is mostly a relief and mostly a good experience.

15. I am a very good mother. It is still really hard and there are lots of moments that make me want to bonk my head against the wall or hang my head in defeat.

16. Our kids are so fantastic right now. They are each in a total sweet spot and are so fun, funny, smart, articulate and wonderful to watch and be around. Lots of the time. Most? Some. A lot of the time.

17. I feel very happy in my marriage right now .I think my husband does too but I haven't actually asked him.

18. My physical health is a work in progress but I feel mostly pretty good these days.

19. I am seriously good at working. People should hire me to do things and fix systems (or show other people how to fix systems) because I am very, very good at it.

20. I have been a manager of people in the past and in many ways I was not good at it. In some ways I was good. I did not enjoy it very much. I know I would be much better at it now were I to do it again but I'm not sure I would ever enjoy it.

21. I have some truly wonderful friends.

22. I have historically been very concerned about what other people think about me. I don't feel that way right now and it is a great goddamn relief.

23. I am pretty blunt these days. My ideas come to me fast and furious and I talk more and faster than usual. I blame the prednisone. But I also mostly enjoy most of these things.

24. I am very sensitive to how other people feel, or how I think they feel. I might be an empath but I'm not sure.

25. Because of many of the things listed above, I may have to say to you (if I know you in real life and you reach out to me) "I can't right now." Because I have a tendency to pour myself out and not notice that I'm all used up. Because of #1, and. . .actually, because of almost everything on this list I am learning to recognize when I need to go away from people--talking, emailing, texting, being with--and be alone to reconnect with myself. To recharge. It is hard for me to do this but it is necessary.

I will be writing much more about many if not all of these things. I wanted to tell the story in chronological order because that's how it unfolded, because it is more dramatic that way, and because the revelations are a result of what has happened. But this is where I am right now and for many reasons it felt important to write it now.

If you want to get an email when I post something new, please Subscribe To this blog (you can find that option halfway down the page)

*Bloom Retreat is a very special place in Walnut Creek, California. I will be writing a lot more about it but until then, if you can, you should go there to take a yoga class. Or get a massage or a facial or a chiropractic exam or an acupuncture treatment. Or sit in silence and soak it up. It is a healing place that has meant a lot to me and I thank Michelle Long from the bottom of my heart for creating it.