To bring you some words about my husband.

I've never asked him how he would feel about my using his name in this blog. I don't use my name although it's probably easy to find. For a while I didn't use my kids' names because despite being a thirty-eight-year-old grown-up I feel like I'm still new to the internet and how to use it. Is it safe? Will they hate it later? I just don't know. I started using the kids' names because it was easier than "the bigger one" or "one of the younger ones." And I didn't feel like making up internet nicknames for them because it felt dumb writing real-life stories about real people with made-up names. But writing "my husband" is pretty easy so I've never taken the time to ask what he prefers.

I have talked to him about how he feels about whether I write about him, or our marriage, on this blog. I asked him some combination of "Does it bother you?" and "Can I?" while also saying I would like to because it's important to me to be able to tell the truth about what I'm feeling and thinking about my life. He said I should write what I want to write. Almost without exception in our lives together so far he tells me that--you should do what you want to do. You should do what you need to do.

That has usually made me anxious. I worried that the subtext of what he was saying was "But I really wish you would do something else." Only recently can I see that that was my problem, not his.

Here are some things I would like to tell you about my husband:

1) He is wicked smart. (I'm sometimes allowed to say that because I went to school in Boston; I use it sparingly.) He is good at math, at figuring things out. I don't understand brains and how they work but I can see that his is built or functions much differently than mine and I so admire his brain.

2) He thinks about things that I don't think about. Rather than react to a reference to an article describing how the guy from that duck hunting show was a racist, my husband suggested we go read the actual article in its entirety first. That was good advice because seeing the what was said in the context of an entire interview left a fuller impression of the man. I still thought the man was racist but the interview deepened my own understanding of racism, especially in a context that I have no experience with--that of growing up poor and white in the South. I appreciate that my husband doesn't just react to things--he looks for more information before making a decision.

3) He is a great kisser.

4) He is an incredibly hard worker. He built a new fence around our pool almost entirely by himself. I think I helped carry three panels and then tapped out because they were too heavy. To do this project he: tore down the old wooden fence, cleared a ton of ivy, drilled holes into the concrete so he could bolt metal supports into the ground, painted 12-15 five-foot wooden fence panels, carried them to the backyard, lined them up correctly and screwed or hammered them together (not clear on that part).It was pain-staking, exhausting work and he stuck with it day after day until it was done. I could write many pages describing similar projects but I'll leave it at--the man works hard.

5) He makes me feel safe and cared for in a way I haven't experienced. I am still learning how to truly appreciate this.

6) He is good with money. Because of this we were able to buy a house that we love--one that is perfect for our brood. I helped because I had a good income at the time and I had been maximizing my 403b for many years. Our parents helped a lot (thank you parents). His many years of saving and smart decisions and previous real estate purchases made it not just possible but not painful.

7) Money gets another entry. I have money anxiety because I am not very good at math and I like nice things. As an adult I went from counting my paychecks to make sure I had enough money for gas to making more money than I expected and spending it all on travel, good food and drinks, clothes, shoes, purses and adventures ( I regret almost none of those things--maybe some of the bags and shoes.) I spent it on other less fun things like paying my credit cards late or parking tickets or last-minute decisions forced by lack of planning. My husband took over the money management for most things and that has given me a huge sense of ease that I had never had before. Money will get it's own separate post soon.

8) He is strong. He has a tall, lean body with strong muscles and I like it a lot. We've done Bikram yoga together, he works with a diving coach (springboard/platform, not scuba), he works out at the gym. With four small kids he doesn't get nearly enough time to do this stuff but I know he will get back to it, or to something similar, and his body will be ready to pick back up where he left off. I greatly admire his strength.

9) He would kick ass on Survivor. Seriously. He can fix almost anything, he could figure out how to catch a fish or kill a lizard, he can either already make fire or he could figure it out and no one can tell what he's thinking (often including me). He's competitive and good at physical challenges and puzzles. He loves games. He really needs to get on that show. Maybe when the kids are a tiny bit older because if he went now I'm not sure who would be playing a gnarlier game of Survivor. Plus he might decide to just stay on that island forever.

10) He is amazing with our kids. Their faces light up when he walks into the room. He will spend an hour in the pool with them, throwing them up in the air, helping them jump off the side, showing them how to swim. He gets up with them every morning and changes all four diapers. He talks to them with such love in his voice and the love he has for them is written all over his face.

11) He is a good cook.

12) He is great at cleaning the house.

13) We have so much fun together, when we actually make time to do things that are fun.

14) He is the best teammate I've ever had. We can put our heads down and pack up the van, load up the kids and take them to the top of the mountain in a wobbly, yellow school bus and we don't want to kill each other. We may sometimes (often) want to jump out the window ourselves but we keep going together, even when it is very, very hard.

15) He is a quiet guy. I used to worry more about him in social situations because I was afraid he was miserable. I'm learning to see that he knows what he needs and can take care of himself, making connections in his own way, even when he's not particularly comfortable in a house full of people or a big crowd.

16) He is a man who knows who he is.

I could go on but sixteen is my favorite number and it feels like a good place to stop.

There were a couple reasons I wanted to write this now.

Number one, I recently wrote a piece about marriage being hard for me and that was tough on him. Even though I tried to make it about me and the things about being married that I struggle with, he is the only other one in this marriage so it can be hard to separate what's me and what's him. As I keep going with the story of September I will share more about marriage and what I've learned about it and myself. . .but we're not there yet.

Number two, my last entry The Boring Days mentioned my being pissed at my husband for not staying home and helping me more. That's new for me to even say that kind of thing to him (which I did, a few weeks before I wrote about it) let alone for me to write it on the internet for people to read. It felt a little scary, a little like a betrayal. But to quote my favorite writer:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

I'm trying to own my stories, including the part that acknowledges that I can't expect people, even my husband, to read my mind. If I needed him to stay home, I could have asked. A real ask, not a whispery, half-hearted suggestion. Point being, I'm not taking all the blame myself nor am I placing it all on him. But he didn't choose for me to write about my life (which is also in many ways our life) on the internet and I want to acknowledge that it won't always be comfortable. And it will never be the whole story.

I wanted you, and him, to have more of the story.