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Originally written 2/11/17

Grieving. Somehow reading in The New Codependency that the obsessing, guilt, fear and control are all feelings we feel when we're grieving smacked me over the head. Even though as I write those feelings down I'm not sure if they're even the ones I feel the most. As if "the most" matters in this context.

I am grieving and have been grieving. The loss of my pre-child self. The fact that motherhood is so much harder and more painful than I ever could have imagined. The fact that wanting to be a mother made me turn away from other relationships because I couldn't imagine how we would find our way to parenthood together. The pain that has kept finding me. And all I want to do is run. Away, away, away. Numb. Make it go away.