9 of 40

I am not depressed in today's world. I am. . . tired. Bone tired and brain tired. But otherwise ok. Good day with the kiddos yesterday, left the house trashed. Can someone tell me how to have a good day with the kids and not leave the house trashed? Husband shared his ideas with me yesterday as I lay sprawled on the couch, feet in his lap, recovering from a day of parenting. Today is a waiting day. Waiting to help. Waiting to speak Spanish. Waiting to interact. So for now, writing and thinking and reading and watching.

Originally written 12/4, posted now.

The words.will not.come.

My mind is full of thoughts. None of them want to be committed to paper or the online equivalent. I am just dripping with self-consciousness--my skin is crawling with it and it winds itself around every word. Ugh.

There is a possibility I am depressed. Note to readers: I am not about to be hospitalized and there is no need to intervene. At least I don't think so . . .heh.

Reasons for being possibly depressed:

1) The holidays. I hear they get people down. Maybe now they get me down?

2) The sad, horrible, scary, violent bullshit that is in the news almost every day. Bullshit trivializes it but that is the word I am using for now.

3) The comedown from my flying high, "I can do anything!" post-hospital experience

4) Change in diet from super clean, healthy, mostly gluten-free, dairy-free and sugar-free back to my regular eat anything and everything and don't pay attention to the effects on my body and mind

5) Weight gain (spending many days in the hospital with gastrointestinal issues left me quite svelte there for a while)

6) Lack of yoga and exercise in my life

7) Lack of time to myself

8) Big fight with a main person in my life

9) Stay-at-home parenting is hard

10) House-wifery is not my forte so I am constantly surrounded by evidence of things I am not good at, such as cleaning and clearing the mounds of crap off every available surface in our house

11) Stress from working part-time, mothering almost all the time and trying to find time to do the other stuff that needs to be done

12) Cold and dark time of year

13) My brain chemistry

14) Umm. . .this list seems sufficient

I am not light-hearted or fun these days. I am heavy and blue and want to eat sweet, heavy, comforting foods and drink booze and hide under blankets and wait for the joy to kick in.