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Learning and trying to be kind and living my life as fully as I can stand it.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

13 of 40

Started on 8/2/16.

For years, most of my life, I've felt the lack. Wanting to be more. Wishing my breast were bigger. Wanting to have some of the things I see other people having. Having a hard time celebrating others' success. Eating two donuts from the plate in case they disappear and I regret not having more. A sense of scarcity. Why? From whence did it come?

I see it in one of my daughters now and wonder if she is learning it from me or if she has it in her blood from me or if this is a human trait that everyone has. I don't see it equally in each child so it seems. . .like a thing that some people have more than others. Or don't have. The fear of not being enough, not having enough.

I want to lay it down now.

There is enough.

I read this today, half a year after writing it, and it strikes me how much this feeling of scarcity rules us all. How can there be enough? I somehow know intrinsically that there is enough and yet feel in myself and see in others how we grab and hold tightly in an attempt to keep from losing. Like privilege. How scary it is to acknowledge that, as hard as my life is sometimes, it is easier than most. And that living in a world based on giving people who look like me more means that others have less, others have not enough. And if I sometimes feel like I don't have enough, how can I give some away to make sure others have closer to enough?

There is enough.

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