17 of 40

Written 2/25/16, unfinished

How much is your time worth? Like, how much money would you charge for an hour of your time? The past two years have me thinking about the answer to this question so much more than I ever have before.

I've never in my life asked for a raise. Which is typical for women in the United States. I've been given several raises. One or two bonuses based entirely on my individual work, other bonuses based on the performance of the company. Two promotions. In my past job I made more money than I really ever expected to and, most of the time, I felt well-compensated for the work I did. I was also in the position of determining other people's raises, in discussing the rate of pay for certain jobs, in being on the receiving end of requests for more money. I'm not new to trying to determine the value of someone's work or time but I think about it anew.

About a month ago I asked Stephanie to take the kids on Thursdays, bringing it to three almost full days of childcare out of the week. I did it because a) I was losing my mind and by Thursday had a hard time not taking it out on the kids and b) I needed some child-free time to get household stuff done and c) I had it in mind that I would like to start doing more work for pay and wanted to grab time in her schedule while I had the chance.

Three days of childcare? What am I doing then? Am I still a stay-at-home mom? That's so many days that they're not with me.

Wait. Oh yeah. They're with me when they wake up and before they go to bed and there are seven days in a week and. . .okay, I think we still get enough time together.

So what to do on that extra day? The possibilities swirl around me and turn my head with their siren songs.

Clean the kitchen.

Write.

Get the car washed.

Clean our room and get rid of the ten bags of stuff that's been sitting there begging to be taken out.

Cook some meals, not just for tonight but for future meals.

Take a yoga class.

Take a shower.

Call some patients and get paid.

What will serve me? What will serve us? What makes it worth it, the fact that I'm paying someone else to watch my kids? Am I allowed to collapse on the couch and do nothing? I already do a surprising amount of that.

Going from having a steady income for most of my adult life to having none, and then a little one, has been hard. As I knew it would be. I feel. . .less like this money that we have is mine. But I don't want to ask for permission to spend it because. . . I mean, because aren't I earning my keep? Yes, of course I am. But that of course doesn't feel as sure as it should.

How much do you pay someone to do what you do the rest of the time? Not only because this is how Stephanie makes her living and supports her family and I want us to pay her at least a living wage if not more but because. . well because, this is what I do. So how much would I want to be paid? Not only that but there is hardly anyone in existence who can come into our house and watch all four of our kids in a way that makes us feel secure in the knowledge that they are safe and happy. It's priceless, really. So how do I put a price on it? Especially when we chose to live mostly off one income so that I could stay home with the kids.

When I took the job I'm doing now and was asked what my rate way, I said $50 dollars an hour, based on what I was making in the last project management job I did. I did no market research and I didn't take much into account beyond "Can we pay for childcare?" When I admitted that rate to some people in my life I was somewhat berated for underselling myself and taking way too little money. I felt ashamed, like a failure, like I didn't know what I was doing.

I also started worrying about underpaying Stephanie. When we hired her I was home all the time and the two of us took care of the kids together. Now I was going back to work on my Stephanie days and that changed everything. No more days of the week with two adults who could take the kids out on adventures. No time during the week where I could leave the house and go get groceries because do you want to go grocery shopping with four young children? No, no you do not. No time to discuss the kids and discipline and sleep and whatever else needed to be discuss. That all has to be scheduled now. Were we paying her enough?

Value of a dollar. Debt going into the marriage, 403b. What we each think is worth spending money on.