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Today is a kid-free day, the day of the week in which I have childcare and no work. It used to be the day I took Bart into the city for the job I started over a year ago but I am one foot in, one foot out with that job, in a holding pattern while we figure out what comes next for them. I didn't mean to stop going into that office on Mondays but life got hectic and the little girls started having school on Mondays and I didn't always go into the office on Mondays anyway. Sometimes I worked from home and I thought I would keep working from home but the addition of school for the girls and a new job for me and. . .I stopped having energy and attention for that job. There was also the great flea infestation of Summer '16 along with some marriage challenges and the usual life with four kids stuff. It just. . .changed and with less time and less energy I could see more clearly which things were feeding me and which weren't.

Except that is still hard to see and know. I have a new calendar which always gives me new life, the idea that I can bring order to chaos, pretty colors and lines and made-ahead plans. It soothes me for a while, before I stop remembering to bring it with me or lose interest or get into a funk. All of those things have happened so far this month, in August when the new calendar started. I like a calendar that starts in August because all these years later it still feels like the new year when school starts.

I've never been much of a list-maker, except in certain circumstances like when I worked in Placement and had to write out my to-do list every time I got off the phone to make sure I didn't forget something vital like "Find a home for that liver". I worked with someone who made complex to-do lists with tasks ranked in order of importance, including everything from things he needed to do to make himself feel whole to things he needed to do to be a successful adult. Practice yoga vs. go to the bank. Because there is only so much time in a day and whether you make decisions ahead of time or not you will end up living your values by the mere fact of how you choose to spend your time. The days are filled with choices, even when it doesn't feel like it.

It always felt like cheating to me to write things down only to cross them off, like I wanted credit for something I'd already done and that shouldn't count. But maybe it can also be a way for me to stop being unconscious of all the things I am doing and maybe it would be okay to give myself more credit.