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Originally written 11/12/15.

How do you know if you're depressed? No, I mean, I'm really asking you. A question posed to those of you who have experienced depression--how do you notice that you're in it again? Is it obvious? Does it take a while for you to recognize the symptoms? I'd love to know.

I have heard myself say "I'm not depressed" a few times in the last month. Each time I say it I notice the words leaving my contained space and entering the world where I lose control of them forever. And then by the 2.5 time I hear myself saying to myself "Huh. There it is again." And by the third time it's "Except maybe I am?"

I am being so hard on myself. Every where I turn I see something I wish were better.

I wish my house were cleaner.

I wish I was a better decorator.

I wish we didn't have so much shit.

I wish I had more of my project done.

I wish I felt how I felt before. Except I don't even waste time wishing that because I know that's not how it works.

Today, February 11, 2017 I am not depressed. I am not happy. I recognize myself in these words written more than a year ago, knowing I just felt depressed two weeks ago and knowing that I am out of it now.People who love me say to me "I just want you to be happy."

Is that something you actively pursue? Happiness? Is it a state of being that lasts or is it moments?

My weeks of Scandal-binging left me with a half-written post in my head "Lessons learned from Olivia Pope" Half-written is an exaggeration. Partially, sporadically written in my head.

I may never write that essay for others to read. I do carry her words in my head--

What do you want?